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If you’re a hardcore Twilight fan, you’re going to love Breaking Dawn. If you’re not a fan of the franchise, go ahead and see it but equip yourself with a sense of humour. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1’s tagline says “Forever is only the beginning.”

While it’s apt for Edward and Bella finally getting hitched, it’s also the perfect line to capture the tone of the movie.  Some parts seemed to take forever to wrap up.  Just get on it with already!, I thought to myself many times during the film. Then I remembered that’s exactly how I felt about the book. It, too, was slow and self-indulgent. It wasn’t all bad though. There was Bella’s stunning hair piece (highlight of the wedding, I must say). The much better chemistry between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. And of course, a cute little vampire baby.  Spoilers follow.

So here’s what happened...

Finally, Edward Cullen (Pattinson) and Bella Swan (Stewart) are getting married. (Cue screaming of Team Edward.) Bella’s best friend, Jacob Black, (Taylor Lautner) becomes distraught at the news, then runs away with his shirt off (cue screaming of Team Jacob.)  No worries, he appears again after the ceremony to congratulate the newlyweds, but not without some overly melodramatic moments (Cue the beginning of many yawns).

Bella and Edward spend their honeymoon in Isle Esme, a private island of the Cullens in Brazil.  They finally have sex! I’m sure Bella was very happy. Edward apparently wasn’t, despite him saying “it was the best night of his existence.” Because of his super vampire strength, he not only broke the bed, the headboard, and destroyed a couple of pillows, but unintentionally gave Bella some bruises too. Traumatized by how he could have hurt Bella, he takes sex off the table. During their honeymoon. Even if his wife parades in skimpy undies. Meanwhile, Bella interprets the bruises as love. Way to send a good message to the under-18 crowd, huh? While not tempted by her skivvies, Edward eventually gives in to her pleadings after she cries about a sex dream she had of the two of them (Yes, they’re still on their honeymoon while this is happening). Shortly after (literally a day or two after), Bella is pregnant with a monster baby growing at an alarming rate. The honeymoon is cut short and they fly back to Forks.

Back home, Carlisle explains that this vampire baby could possibly kill Bella. Edward develops ill feelings towards “the thing,” telling Bella that they should get rid of the monster before she gets harmed any further. Bella is adamant about keeping the baby. Never mind if her ribs are being broken by the mutant baby. Never mind if it is draining her off her own blood. Never mind if she has to drink blood from a Styrofoam cup through a straw to nourish her fetus. Bella has suddenly possessed a strong maternal instinct and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. She also finds an unlikely ally in former mean girl Rosalie. Now BFFs, Rosalie, who always wanted to have her own child, takes care of a heavily pregnant Bella.

All is not well with the Quileute tribe, however. The werewolf pack believes that Edward and Bella’s vampire child is an abomination, a threat that can grow stronger. They decide to kill Bella before she gives birth, but Jacob comes to the forefront and acts as protector of the Cullens for now. He tells the Sam, the pack leader, he will kill the baby himself.

Back at Home Cullen, Bella shares her baby name selections with the family. If it’s a boy, E.J. or Edward Jacob, to which Edward beams. Seriously Edward? You want to have your baby named after someone who tried stealing your then-girlfriend away from you many, many times? And Bella, selfish much? If it’s a girl, it’s Renesmee – a combination of the baby’s grandmother’s names Renee and Esmee. Here’s where one highlight of the movie comes: Alice, Rose, and Jacob trying to stifle their giggles at how ridiculously absurd the name is. I wonder if Bella ever considered Charlisle (Charlie-Carlisle, see?).

Then Bella’s spine cracks and labour begins. This was the part of the film I was looking forward to the most. Not the feather-in-your-hair sex scenes, seriously, but the labour. It was written so grotesquely in the book I was curious how director Bill Condon would bring it to life. Bella writhing on the floor with broken bones? Edward biting into Bella’s abdomen to perform an emergency Caesarean? Come on! Surprisingly, it wasn’t as gross and as insanely written as it was in the book. At this point of the movie though, I didn’t know what to feel. I think I was numbed by the slow and sloppy pacing throughout the film that I needed this jolt of a bloody birth scene.

But hey, rejoice! It’s a baby girl! Renesmee is one healthy little bub, but mother Bella has flat lined. Edward injects his venom straight into her heart in an effort to still save her. While he tries to revive her, Jacob plots to kill the baby as a result of it killing Bella. But as he approaches the baby, something happens. He imprints. To millions of hardcore Twilight fans (including this former hardcore Twilight fan), this is another much anticipated moment. So that’s how werewolves imprint. Imprinting is finding your soul mate. Imprinting means he is obliged to love Renesmee forever and protect her at all costs. This was the love of his life, today and in the days to come, and his role as protector begins. As he looks into Renesmee’s baby eyes, he sees her future and the future they will share together. No wonder Jacob was always drawn to Bella. No wonder Bella felt “complete” with Jacob around (even with hubby Edward present). He was connected to her on a biological level. His soul mate, apparently, is the daughter of his first love. Yes, Stephenie Meyer’s storytelling is twisted like that.

The werewolves pack cannot attack Renesmee, as werewolves cannot harm someone from the pack has imprinted on. The truce between the Cullens and Quileutes is revived.

The film wraps up by showing Bella’s transformation from broken human to ethereally beautiful vampire.  Apparently, Renesmee isn’t the only newborn in the family. Bella opens her eyes and reveals blood red pupils – the mark of a newborn vampire.

This former Twihard’s thoughts in a nutshell

The negatives: Clunky script. Schizophrenic soundtrack. Stilted musical montages. Stephenie Meyer cameo (She already had a cameo in the first movie!). Brazilian street party (the point?). Super leaden pacing.  I can’t blame the movie for how bad it was though because the book it was based on pretty much sucked.

The positives: Bella’s sapphire-studded heirloom hairpiece. Bella’s life flashing before her eyes as she transforms into a vampire. (I loved the throwback to the first three movies and most especially, the family shot of Charlie, Renee and baby Bella at the end). Most of all, Charlie Swan’s reply to Bella when she asks him not to let her fall as they walk down the aisle (“Never.”). *sniff*

So that’s how Part 1 ends. What’s in store for the second, and last, installation? Well, there’s the Volturi, who learn about the marriage of Edward and Bella (and maybe even more). There’s the introduction of more vampires. There’s Bella’s adjustment to the vampire life. How will she tell her parents? Can she and Edward finally have unbridled sex? And of course, there’s Renesmee. What kind of trouble will she bring? What’s her future with Jacob going to be like? We will have to wait till November of 2012, or you can read the book and find out what happens. But just as I said in the beginning of this piece, equip yourself with a sense of humour. And patience. Lots and lots of patience.

Toni Tiu is a former Twilight fanatic but continues to stay on Team Jacob. Eclipse is her favourite book of the Twilight saga. For more personal musings on movies and books, visit her personal blog at Wifelysteps.com.