When love hurts

Almost all little girls dream of growing up, walking down the aisle in a big, white dress to their Prince Charming and living happily ever after. But for many Filipinas, this dream ends up being a nightmare - one where the Prince ends up being a Villain after all.

The hands that once embraced and caressed now become fists that beat and batter. The lips that whispered sweet-nothings to her ear now utter bitter words that demean her spirit. More so, the love that made her feel like she was soaring now makes her feel trapped and helpless.

These are the many faces of abuse and violence against women. In 2008, a total of 6,905 cases of violence against women were reported to the Philippine National Police (PNP). Over a thousand of these were reports of physical abuse and wife battery. Many of these incidents of abuse were at the hands of husbands and common-law partners.

R.A. 9262

The Republic Act 9262 (R.A. 9262), known as the Anti-Violence Against Women and Their Children Act of 2004, defines violence as ‘any act or a series of acts committed by any person against a woman who is his wife, former wife, or against a woman with whom the person has or had a sexual or dating relationship, or with whom he has a common child, or against her child whether legitimate or illegitimate, within or without the family abode, which result in or is likely to result in physical, sexual, psychological harm or suffering, or economic abuse including threats of such acts, battery, assault, coercion, harassment or arbitrary deprivation of liberty’.

With this definition, violence against women ceased being limited to physical battery and now includes the emotional, psychological and economic welfare of women all over the country. Case in point is the lawsuit filed against Dr. Hayden Kho by actress Katrina Halili. While he may not have physically abused her by beating her, his acts constituted psychological violence because it purportedly caused Halili emotional and psychological harm.

However, despite R.A. 9262, statistics show that there are still a lot of women who are in abusive relationships. According to the National Commission on the Role of Filipino’s website, cases reported under R.A. 9262 increased from 218 in 2004 to 3,599 in 2008. They credit the rise in numbers to massive information campaigns about the act and its strict implementation.

While it is a sad reality that abusive relationships still prevail in the Philippines, women are now being empowered to leave these relationships. Furthermore, the addition of Women’s Desks by the PNP in all police stations have given abused women and children a safe haven to turn to when faced with violence whether at home or in other places.

Why stay?

For those who do not experience abuse, it is easy to ask – “why not leave the relationship?” But many victims of abuse disclose that leaving is easier said than done.

As clinical psychologist Dr. Boboy Sze Alianan sees in his practice, many women are unable to leave because they often do not see the bigger picture and “often have a hard time seeing what appears to be obvious for many who see the relationship from outside looking in”.

The woman stays in the relationship because of the misguided notion that she has a purpose in that relationship. For many, they stay because they feel the need to keep their relationship whole and intact, especially for the sake of the children. However, this actually can perpetuate the cycle of abuse, especially since the children are witness to the abuse that goes on in the home. They become victims of abuse as well. Statistics show that children of abuse often grow up to be abusers themselves. Further, about 80% of abused individuals are diagnosed with a mental disorder later in life.

Vicious cycle

Another reason why women are unable to leave their abusive relationships is because they are suffering from what is known as ‘Battered Women Syndrome’ (BWS). Some would classify BWS as a form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is rooted in the construct of learned helplessness, where the abused woman is unable to protect herself from her abuser because she has been psychologically conditioned to behave helplessly even though she is given the opportunity to leave the unpleasant, harmful or potentially dangerous situation she is in.

Breaking the cycle is very difficult. Dr. Alianan further identifies the different stages a battered woman goes through in order to free themselves from the chains of abuse. These are denial, guilt, enlightenment and responsibility. Many get stuck in these stages and are unable to gain enlightenment and take responsibility for themselves. However, if they do, they are able to break free and to live their lives to the fullest extent.

Early signs of abuse

The problem with abuse is that, sometimes, it is not readily identified. Some abusive relationships do not start out as such. In fact, psychological abuse can begin surreptitiously. It may start out as repeated phone calls, needing to check-in with the partner before doing something and even explaining one’s every movement. At first it may seem sweet, but over time, it becomes a choke-hold. Over time, the woman begins to become isolated, ambivalent, helpless, detached and, for some, depressed.

Other signs of abuse include unexplained injuries or those that are inconsistent with reported causes (such as bumping into a wall or slipping down the stairs), limited movements marked with statements like "I have to be home before he does", and decreasing self-esteem.

Recovering from abuse

Just because they are able to make it out of an abusive relationship, however, does not necessarily mean they are okay. It would take a lot of social support, psychotherapy and counselling for these wounds of abuse to heal.

For Filipina women, there are many resources they can now turn to for help. Women’s groups and various NGOs such as the Women’s Crisis Center, Kalakasan and Gabriela help women with the legal and safety issues that may arise.

A firm advocate of women’s rights, Sen. Pia Cayetano outlines what every woman should know in about violence against women and children in her blog.

Women who are in abusive relationships can call the National Bureau of Investigation’s (NBI) Violence Against Women and Children Division at (02)525-6028 or (02)523-8231 local 3403. They can help you with advice on how to get a protection order and where to go from there.

Women can also approach their Department of Social Welfare and Development (DSWD) district offices for support or call the DSWD Community Based Service Unit (CBSU) at 488-2861. For emergency rescue or support, the DSWD Crisis Intervention Unit (CIU) can be reached at 734-8635.

At the end of the day, the first step to breaking the chains of abuse is through empowerment. By arming them with clear, tangible options to live a life outside of an abusive relationship, victims of abuse may be able to take that first step to a life free of violence.

Photos: “211/365: There will come a day when you won't know my name” by Janine, c/o Flickr. Some Rights Reserved / “251:365: Schizophrenia” by Janine, c/o Flickr. Some Rights Reserved.